I noticed that over the last few years, I started to be afraid of meeting new people. I began avoiding talking to strangers because they may not share my views, and I didn’t have the energy for confrontations and trying to change someone’s opinion during a small talk.
It all started in 2020 with the protests in my native Belarus, and I noticed that people I met had different reactions when I spoke about it. Mostly, they didn’t want to hear about the protests at all, while it was all I could think about. Then, the political division in the U.S. intensified. The fears and isolation became only stronger during COVID-19. When it seemed that things became a little easier, Russians started the full-scale invasion of Ukraine. I was so shocked that I didn’t care about people’s reactions anymore, and I began to talk about Ukraine with everyone I met. Almost every conversation ended up with me tearing up, trying to break through someone’s ignorance or Russian propaganda talking points. I was speaking passionately and emotionally, and probably, my words did reach some people’s hearts. However, the more the war went on, the less people wanted to hear about it, and that’s when I found my voice online.
I gained a community of caring people on the Internet, but I lost almost every single friend in real life as they got tired of the war they didn’t live through. I moved to the new state, and I hoped that I would find new friends there. However, when I arrived, my social anxiety was so bad that I didn’t leave the house for days. That’s when I realized I was scared that the new people I’d meet wouldn’t agree with my views and would question my experiences, and I was too exhausted to explain the same things over and over again.
Every time my husband and I meet someone, they ask where we are from. When my husband says Ukraine, you could expect anything: from people bringing up what a good Russian neighbor/coworker/classmate they have and that Russians don’t know about the atrocities their army commits (which is a bizarre take in the third year of the invasion, but too many people still believe that) to questions about Ukrainian bio-labs and the legitimacy of Zelensky. You just don’t know what people consume online and what propaganda or narratives they are exposed to. You don’t know whom you’ll meet and how it will influence your mood, day, or experience.
I don’t want to talk about the Russian invasion of Ukraine all the time. I don’t want to talk about the Belarusian dictatorship all the time, either. I don’t want every interaction to become an argument or an emotional speech trying to reach someone’s conscience. I just want to buy groceries, enjoy a yoga class or a walk in nature, have a calm dinner at the restaurant, or have a small talk with the neighbor. That’s why I started avoiding talking to people I don’t know or keeping the conversations short and focused on online activism. At first, it was amazing, but with time, it started to feel very isolating. It also began to feel as if I was betraying my values, hiding behind polite nods and subject changes.
People are comfortable expressing their opinions online because they can put their phones away and end the unpleasant interaction or use the block feature. You can’t walk away from a conversation like this in real life, and you can’t “block” people by pressing an imaginary button. However, the more we talk online, the less we talk in real life. It isolates us and keeps us in our carefully curated bubbles, and it only helps oppressors, dictators, and propagandists.
I decided to start slowly coming out of this protective shell that began to feel like a prison and talk to people. After all these years, I mostly know what to expect, and I’m more prepared for the risks and turns that conversations may take. Online activism not only helped me find a supportive group of people but also taught me how to set and protect my boundaries, which is one of the most important skills in real life. Maybe some of the conversations will bring new friends, maybe my words will make someone question their opinions, but I’ll be fine if they don’t. Most importantly, I won’t let fear dictate how I live and interact with people, regardless of the outcome of these interactions.
As online spaces are being infiltrated with propaganda and fakes every day, taken over by greedy, amoral people, and censored by algorithms, we need to start talking to each other in real life. Now, more than ever.
Next week, I will post a new family recipe in the Eastern European recipe series. It’s going to be my favorite breakfast recipe, which is very delicious and pretty easy to make. Look for it in your inboxes! Meanwhile, you can view the previously posted recipes here: Recipes from Eastern Europe
Warmly,
Darya
Email: daryazorka@substack.com
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It's a brave and lonely path you are on, Darya. We must continue to speak about "the elephant in the room" because our silence is just what the dictators want. Many of the people you meet are ignorant but not malicious and may gradually change their minds. At the same time, when you feel tired, take care of yourself.
The indifference of most people I know (friends, neighbors, relatives) to the ongoing invasion of Ukraine and the ongoing violence inflicted upon innocent Ukrainian citizens has made me feel sadder and lonelier than ever before in my life of 68 years...The same holds true for the ongoing genocide in Gaza...I will never understand why people do not care for other people who are being harmed, no matter where they happen to be on this planet...I am so sorry that you have suffered as a result of this American "who cares, I want to talk about our kitchen remodel and what we are planning to serve at our Super Bowl party" superficial way of relating to others...I wonder if people in European countries are so hard hearted? Thank you for forming this online community...It really has helped me feel less alone...