It's a brave and lonely path you are on, Darya. We must continue to speak about "the elephant in the room" because our silence is just what the dictators want. Many of the people you meet are ignorant but not malicious and may gradually change their minds. At the same time, when you feel tired, take care of yourself.
The indifference of most people I know (friends, neighbors, relatives) to the ongoing invasion of Ukraine and the ongoing violence inflicted upon innocent Ukrainian citizens has made me feel sadder and lonelier than ever before in my life of 68 years...The same holds true for the ongoing genocide in Gaza...I will never understand why people do not care for other people who are being harmed, no matter where they happen to be on this planet...I am so sorry that you have suffered as a result of this American "who cares, I want to talk about our kitchen remodel and what we are planning to serve at our Super Bowl party" superficial way of relating to others...I wonder if people in European countries are so hard hearted? Thank you for forming this online community...It really has helped me feel less alone...
‘I wonder if people in European countries are so hard hearted?’
Yes, Anne, unfortunately. And no, I cannot understand the lack of empathy either. As my partner often observes, people are worse than animals: Animals are not senselessly cruel to one another (with the sole known exception being some chimps—chimps that just so happen to be our closest primate relatives). It is deeply depressing.
Darya, I just discovered and subscribed to your blog, which is excellent. Keep talking to people; current Trump oligarchy aside, many of us are still listening and very much care. 🇺🇦🇬🇧🇺🇸🎗️
Thank you for this essay and explaining your courage. I have two brothers who wholeheartedly support the current occupant of the White House and we studiously avoid any mention of politics. I need to open the conversation to see what they are thinking about current events. And I am terrified; the last time I expressed sincere concern for that man’s help, the response I got was “Kamala’s a dummy.” I want to be better prepared for these difficult conversations and to know when to walk away.
My heart breaks for the people of Ukraine, the Palestinians, and everyone who will be grievously harmed by the destruction not only of USAID but also of the US government.
Thank you for your support, Teri! I know how difficult it is to have such conversations with family members. I wish I could give you good advice! I hope you’ll find patience and courage but also will protect yourself and your values ❤️🫂
People can be cruel and foolish--and they can be warm and wonderful. If only we knew which ones are which! I often find myself looking at people now trying to read "what is this person like?" before I speak to them, and that is a dangerous thing to do. These are trying times, for sure. You're correct, though, that we have to take the skills we learn here and apply them to the real world--to set boundaries and be respectful but firm so that others do not steal our voices.
Yes, I often do the same. I found the skills I gained from online activism to be very useful in real life encounters and conversations. I learned a lot, developed a thicker skin, and started to value my time and energy.
I regret to say, but I don't think we'll ever meet except on platforms like this. Should you ever make it to whatever city I'm living in however - hopefully still Windhoek - then my wife and I would be happy to invite you and your husband to dinner and/or to our local church, and talk about whatever subject you want to.
In the meantime though, I truly hope you can find a caring community of friends in your current home town. No one can survive with online interactions alone.
I'm unfortunately in the opposite boat. I live in a section of the country that almost unanimously supports the fascist coup happening right now. Nearly everyone I know in real life agrees with at least part of the plan. I don't know how to keep a friendship or talk to someone who supports even part of a plan that takes away my legal personhood under the law. The plan strips me of my rights and my health by destroying my health insurance and removing access to one of the medications I need to manage one of my chronic diseases.
I've never had a large social circle anyway because I'm an extreme introvert. Talking to people in person is utterly exhausting. But internet conversation can be energizing. That's where I've found the people who challenge me in all the right ways and have similar interests. I'm an island in my support for Ukraine and now I'm also an island in fighting the Trumpomuskovia coup.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience, Rachel! I definitely understand how exhausting conversations with people who are unsupportive or unwilling to understand can be. That’s why I went online to find my community. It’s hard to be an island, and I’m grateful for your resistance and continuous support!
In a complex, confusing world, fascism offers simple solutions that appeal to many people. That's a very hard nut to crack.
The politics of compromise, of centrism, is missing a statesman able to cut through the clear nonsense, the fool's gold, that's peddled daily online into everyone's internet connected phone.
Face-to-face interactions are important, but we're going to need more than that. Right now, everyone is connecting up on platforms owned privately by a very small number of actors. Either government steps in to control these platforms and the information that's pushed out, or else a trusted organisation (preferably within the EU) develops an alternative platform that can be safely used by the wider public, politicians, journalists, civil servants, educators etc. We absolutely cannot trust the likes of tiktok, X/Twitter, Facebook/Instagram, TruthSocial to protect civil society anymore. They never did, but now we can see they are being actively used to mould society to their owner's benefit and the benefit of those actors who align with the political ideology of the owners of SM platforms. AI is going to make (perhaps already does) these platforms even more powerful & influential than anyone can imagine.
But yes, we need to carry on the conversation with our family, friends and strangers. We may not know how much influence we have, but multiply these by the million and who could argue that they don't affect the direction society as a whole takes?
Too many of the right forget that "no man (or woman) is an island".
We all need each other, in one way or another.
It includes compassion for others in their time of need, treating others fairly day to day, and dealing (fairly) with agressors, be it individuals or countries.
Part of it is communicating with others face to face, as Darya says.
Agreed, although the left has itself become far too siloed and illiberal towards opposing views in my opinion. We need to stop shouting at one another. History clearly demonstrates that neither the right nor left has held any kind of monopoly on truth: there can be good and bad in both. It seems, however, that no one is willing to admit we can ever possibly be wrong about anything anymore, or disagree but do so with mutual, humane respect (instead of resorting to mean-spirited caricatures). In a functioning democracy, good governance demands a robust, healthy opposition to tame the stupidest excesses of both sides. We should welcome that—so long as the law is being respected.
I am tired of the increasingly polarised, illiberal attitude of my own ‘team’ when it comes to contrary viewpoints: Where has all our preachy finger-wagging got us, except to lose the working classes we claimed to champion? We cannot simply cancel anything or anyone with whom we disagree; we’ve done too much doctrinal purity-policing, and not enough listening (the right is increasingly adopting a silly cancel culture of its own).
In America, Trump had a longstanding interest in running for office (publicly expressed at least as early as 1998); it was an open secret, especially in his native NYC. But the important difference was that the conditions were thankfully not amenable to the kind of political success he’s since seen today. In those days, Trump was dismissed as a joke, a ridiculous candidate (rightly so), and he got nowhere, short of occasional Fox News appearances.
The same goes for so many of the far-left and far-right parties in Europe, those located beyond the ‘cordon sanitaire’ and ‘Brandmauer’ of the traditional, post-WWII political centre. In Britain too today we see Nigel Farage’s Reform Party (once UKIP) polling ahead of all other alternatives for the first time ever—another unserious leader who’d heretofore been ridiculed and cast off into the political wilderness, at least until Brexit when the failures of both the traditional right and left at last enabled his once-improbable success. His gain is our loss.
A similar story can be told of many countries throughout Europe including, among others, France, Poland, Italy, Slovakia, Austria and now Germany (with the rising fortunes of the BSW and AfD). Had we (left or right) governed well in the first place, conditions would never have been so ripe for these extremist alternatives. But sadly, here we are.
Many studies have demonstrated that when people engage with others in person, their views are moderated and their empathy increased. I think we need to do more of that; I know I do. (Apologies for the ramble no one will probably read!)
Good luck to you on your journey! We recently moved to an apartment complex with a great diversity of inhabitants united by a reluctance to speak with people. Thank you for reminding us to take that simple but radical step to engage with others.
Lovely article as always - on a slight tangent, there’s a beautiful podcast here in the UK called Strangers on a Bench in which the host, a musician called Tom Rosenthal, talks to strangers in London and the conversation flows to such an extent that you quickly realise that everyone is interesting in their own wonderful way.
Thank you, David! Love the idea of this podcast! It reminded me of a project I followed a while ago called “Humans of New York.” It shares the stories of random strangers met in the city and shows that everyone has a story to tell.
My dear, in my country, very little is known about the countries of Eastern Europe (beyond the clichés), but in a way, it's been an advantage when it comes to the war. Here, we only see the raw facts, the reality told to us by Ukrainian refugees and the atrocities we witness from russians. There are no misinterpretations, no "opinions" because we only see what people tell us and the media shows us. There's nothing to "opinion" about the massacres, the bombings, the terror in russian prisons, the kidnapped children, the destroyed cities, and a thousand other horrible facts we've known about from the beginning. I would challenge anyone to convince me that there's anything justified in all this. The general opinion in Spain is that russians are terrible (and my mother-in-law claims they're cannibals... I don't dare contradict her, she might be right) and that they should clone President Zelensky so we'd have someone like him in government here. Personally, I want one just for myself <3
Dear Natalia, thank you so much for your support and for seeing the truth in the sea of endless propaganda! I’ve never been to Spain, but I would love to visit someday!
Yeah, as long as both sides are being cool but you don’t wanna get dumped on either. You gotta be respectful but firm with some people and sometimes you gotta figure a way out of it. The late great John Prine wrote a song about it back in 1970.
It's a brave and lonely path you are on, Darya. We must continue to speak about "the elephant in the room" because our silence is just what the dictators want. Many of the people you meet are ignorant but not malicious and may gradually change their minds. At the same time, when you feel tired, take care of yourself.
Thank you, Helen!
The indifference of most people I know (friends, neighbors, relatives) to the ongoing invasion of Ukraine and the ongoing violence inflicted upon innocent Ukrainian citizens has made me feel sadder and lonelier than ever before in my life of 68 years...The same holds true for the ongoing genocide in Gaza...I will never understand why people do not care for other people who are being harmed, no matter where they happen to be on this planet...I am so sorry that you have suffered as a result of this American "who cares, I want to talk about our kitchen remodel and what we are planning to serve at our Super Bowl party" superficial way of relating to others...I wonder if people in European countries are so hard hearted? Thank you for forming this online community...It really has helped me feel less alone...
Thank you, Anne! I’m so glad you are part of this community! ❤️🫂
Yes, like Anne said. 💛💙
‘I wonder if people in European countries are so hard hearted?’
Yes, Anne, unfortunately. And no, I cannot understand the lack of empathy either. As my partner often observes, people are worse than animals: Animals are not senselessly cruel to one another (with the sole known exception being some chimps—chimps that just so happen to be our closest primate relatives). It is deeply depressing.
Darya, I just discovered and subscribed to your blog, which is excellent. Keep talking to people; current Trump oligarchy aside, many of us are still listening and very much care. 🇺🇦🇬🇧🇺🇸🎗️
Thank you! Glad to have you among my readers!
It is so good to know that there are like minded folks out there...It is a comfort...Thank you...
Likewise, Anne. Right back at you!
Thank you for this essay and explaining your courage. I have two brothers who wholeheartedly support the current occupant of the White House and we studiously avoid any mention of politics. I need to open the conversation to see what they are thinking about current events. And I am terrified; the last time I expressed sincere concern for that man’s help, the response I got was “Kamala’s a dummy.” I want to be better prepared for these difficult conversations and to know when to walk away.
My heart breaks for the people of Ukraine, the Palestinians, and everyone who will be grievously harmed by the destruction not only of USAID but also of the US government.
Thank you for your support, Teri! I know how difficult it is to have such conversations with family members. I wish I could give you good advice! I hope you’ll find patience and courage but also will protect yourself and your values ❤️🫂
People can be cruel and foolish--and they can be warm and wonderful. If only we knew which ones are which! I often find myself looking at people now trying to read "what is this person like?" before I speak to them, and that is a dangerous thing to do. These are trying times, for sure. You're correct, though, that we have to take the skills we learn here and apply them to the real world--to set boundaries and be respectful but firm so that others do not steal our voices.
Yes, I often do the same. I found the skills I gained from online activism to be very useful in real life encounters and conversations. I learned a lot, developed a thicker skin, and started to value my time and energy.
I regret to say, but I don't think we'll ever meet except on platforms like this. Should you ever make it to whatever city I'm living in however - hopefully still Windhoek - then my wife and I would be happy to invite you and your husband to dinner and/or to our local church, and talk about whatever subject you want to.
In the meantime though, I truly hope you can find a caring community of friends in your current home town. No one can survive with online interactions alone.
Thank you, Rob! It’s a lovely invitation, and I appreciate it a lot! Glad to have you among my readers!
I'm unfortunately in the opposite boat. I live in a section of the country that almost unanimously supports the fascist coup happening right now. Nearly everyone I know in real life agrees with at least part of the plan. I don't know how to keep a friendship or talk to someone who supports even part of a plan that takes away my legal personhood under the law. The plan strips me of my rights and my health by destroying my health insurance and removing access to one of the medications I need to manage one of my chronic diseases.
I've never had a large social circle anyway because I'm an extreme introvert. Talking to people in person is utterly exhausting. But internet conversation can be energizing. That's where I've found the people who challenge me in all the right ways and have similar interests. I'm an island in my support for Ukraine and now I'm also an island in fighting the Trumpomuskovia coup.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience, Rachel! I definitely understand how exhausting conversations with people who are unsupportive or unwilling to understand can be. That’s why I went online to find my community. It’s hard to be an island, and I’m grateful for your resistance and continuous support!
As another introvert I can relate to how you interact.
Posts like Darya's are essential.
In a complex, confusing world, fascism offers simple solutions that appeal to many people. That's a very hard nut to crack.
The politics of compromise, of centrism, is missing a statesman able to cut through the clear nonsense, the fool's gold, that's peddled daily online into everyone's internet connected phone.
Face-to-face interactions are important, but we're going to need more than that. Right now, everyone is connecting up on platforms owned privately by a very small number of actors. Either government steps in to control these platforms and the information that's pushed out, or else a trusted organisation (preferably within the EU) develops an alternative platform that can be safely used by the wider public, politicians, journalists, civil servants, educators etc. We absolutely cannot trust the likes of tiktok, X/Twitter, Facebook/Instagram, TruthSocial to protect civil society anymore. They never did, but now we can see they are being actively used to mould society to their owner's benefit and the benefit of those actors who align with the political ideology of the owners of SM platforms. AI is going to make (perhaps already does) these platforms even more powerful & influential than anyone can imagine.
But yes, we need to carry on the conversation with our family, friends and strangers. We may not know how much influence we have, but multiply these by the million and who could argue that they don't affect the direction society as a whole takes?
I agree that our actions to connect with each other and conversations have a bigger impact than we think!
Too many of the right forget that "no man (or woman) is an island".
We all need each other, in one way or another.
It includes compassion for others in their time of need, treating others fairly day to day, and dealing (fairly) with agressors, be it individuals or countries.
Part of it is communicating with others face to face, as Darya says.
Agreed, although the left has itself become far too siloed and illiberal towards opposing views in my opinion. We need to stop shouting at one another. History clearly demonstrates that neither the right nor left has held any kind of monopoly on truth: there can be good and bad in both. It seems, however, that no one is willing to admit we can ever possibly be wrong about anything anymore, or disagree but do so with mutual, humane respect (instead of resorting to mean-spirited caricatures). In a functioning democracy, good governance demands a robust, healthy opposition to tame the stupidest excesses of both sides. We should welcome that—so long as the law is being respected.
I am tired of the increasingly polarised, illiberal attitude of my own ‘team’ when it comes to contrary viewpoints: Where has all our preachy finger-wagging got us, except to lose the working classes we claimed to champion? We cannot simply cancel anything or anyone with whom we disagree; we’ve done too much doctrinal purity-policing, and not enough listening (the right is increasingly adopting a silly cancel culture of its own).
In America, Trump had a longstanding interest in running for office (publicly expressed at least as early as 1998); it was an open secret, especially in his native NYC. But the important difference was that the conditions were thankfully not amenable to the kind of political success he’s since seen today. In those days, Trump was dismissed as a joke, a ridiculous candidate (rightly so), and he got nowhere, short of occasional Fox News appearances.
The same goes for so many of the far-left and far-right parties in Europe, those located beyond the ‘cordon sanitaire’ and ‘Brandmauer’ of the traditional, post-WWII political centre. In Britain too today we see Nigel Farage’s Reform Party (once UKIP) polling ahead of all other alternatives for the first time ever—another unserious leader who’d heretofore been ridiculed and cast off into the political wilderness, at least until Brexit when the failures of both the traditional right and left at last enabled his once-improbable success. His gain is our loss.
A similar story can be told of many countries throughout Europe including, among others, France, Poland, Italy, Slovakia, Austria and now Germany (with the rising fortunes of the BSW and AfD). Had we (left or right) governed well in the first place, conditions would never have been so ripe for these extremist alternatives. But sadly, here we are.
Many studies have demonstrated that when people engage with others in person, their views are moderated and their empathy increased. I think we need to do more of that; I know I do. (Apologies for the ramble no one will probably read!)
Interesting points of view. Mostly agree, particularly on dialoging with those with different views. Compromise is part of real democracy.
Thank you!
I completely agree. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Good luck to you on your journey! We recently moved to an apartment complex with a great diversity of inhabitants united by a reluctance to speak with people. Thank you for reminding us to take that simple but radical step to engage with others.
Thank you, Mark! It’s always hard to move. I hope you’ll find good acquaintances and hopefully friends among the new neighbors!
Lovely article as always - on a slight tangent, there’s a beautiful podcast here in the UK called Strangers on a Bench in which the host, a musician called Tom Rosenthal, talks to strangers in London and the conversation flows to such an extent that you quickly realise that everyone is interesting in their own wonderful way.
Thank you, David! Love the idea of this podcast! It reminded me of a project I followed a while ago called “Humans of New York.” It shares the stories of random strangers met in the city and shows that everyone has a story to tell.
My bad habit is to tell people what I think. (but always politely)
Like you, I have respect for others, and support Ukraine in response to the unprovoked aggression by Russia.
But when I have encountered explicit racists in person, I tend to mock their declarations (at least one-on-one). They generally become flustered.
Or those disrespecting the environment, I tend to point it out. Sometimes getting positive responses.
I have the advantage of not being an immigrant.
In any case, I understand how it can be difficult.
The important is to take care of yourself, so you always have the energy you need to continue.
Your posts, as always, have been a positive point in my day.
Thank you, André!
I like the Idea "THE HAPPY TO CHAT BENCH". Looking forward to your new recipes from Eastern Europe. Thanks Darya.
Thank you!
Yes. I am heading out to a knitting group a the public library shortly.
Sounds awesome!
Love this decision, for you and for the world!!
Thank you, Sky! ❤️
My dear, in my country, very little is known about the countries of Eastern Europe (beyond the clichés), but in a way, it's been an advantage when it comes to the war. Here, we only see the raw facts, the reality told to us by Ukrainian refugees and the atrocities we witness from russians. There are no misinterpretations, no "opinions" because we only see what people tell us and the media shows us. There's nothing to "opinion" about the massacres, the bombings, the terror in russian prisons, the kidnapped children, the destroyed cities, and a thousand other horrible facts we've known about from the beginning. I would challenge anyone to convince me that there's anything justified in all this. The general opinion in Spain is that russians are terrible (and my mother-in-law claims they're cannibals... I don't dare contradict her, she might be right) and that they should clone President Zelensky so we'd have someone like him in government here. Personally, I want one just for myself <3
Sending you a big hug!
Dear Natalia, thank you so much for your support and for seeing the truth in the sea of endless propaganda! I’ve never been to Spain, but I would love to visit someday!
Yeah, as long as both sides are being cool but you don’t wanna get dumped on either. You gotta be respectful but firm with some people and sometimes you gotta figure a way out of it. The late great John Prine wrote a song about it back in 1970.
https://youtu.be/ZAdwz4zl26E?si=y8ebq6KzO0Gaw78K
I agree!
Thank you!
🙏❤️