Grief

How to live with grief caused by war.

The last couple of years have been filled with too much pain and too many atrocities. Grief became a daily companion, and with each day that the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues, grief feels bigger and more permanent. In the first months of the invasion, I lived in denial. My brain refused to acknowledge that such barbarity can happen and continue to go unpunished. I was shocked, and this shock saved me because I didn’t fully realize the depth and scale of the evil. I was preoccupied with worries for my husband’s family, who fled Ukraine and became refugees in Poland. When those emotions settled came huge disappointment in the world’s organizations and leadership who were supposed to help but instead were ready to sacrifice Ukraine and were irritated by Ukrainian resistance. It was the moment when I realized that Ukrainians and the rest of Eastern Europeans are considered to be second-class citizens by the developed world. Of course, I knew about the stereotypes that surrounded our region, but I never understood how much bias and prejudice people from the West had towards people from Eastern Europe and that it cost lives.

After the first shock and disappointment, anger followed. I began posting lots of strong opinions online, sharing my thoughts and feelings. My posts resonated with many people who, just like me, were appalled by the Russian actions and the world’s inaction. Soon after, I started fundraising to help the Ukrainian army and civilians. I began to work on the translations of the documentary about Mariupol, which became an award-winning film, “20 Days in Mariupol.” I continued to work on other documentaries about Ukraine as well. I started this newsletter to educate people and reach their hearts.

In 2024, two and half years since the full-scale invasion started, all I feel is grief. There is still anger and some disbelief as well, but grief dominates. I understand that the war won’t end soon, and I’m grieving all the coming years that will be overshadowed by it. I’m grieving all the lives that were lost and continue to be stolen and ruined by Russians. I’m grieving the present, filled with trauma, and the future that will never happen. I’m grieving the optimism and curiosity that I had before the war. 

I often ask myself how to keep living, dreaming, and having hopes for the future while experiencing such grief? How to protect your heart when so much injustice is happening and you can’t stay indifferent? I don’t have a perfect answer except to accept grief and every emotion that comes with it. I realized that I shouldn't push it to the furthest corner of my heart. I should let it take as much space as it needs. I should validate it. I should speak up about it. I know that I’m not alone and that many people have the same feelings and questions as I do. Grief changes everything, but we shouldn’t resist this change, we must embrace it.

A poem I wrote as a reminder to myself:

You don’t have to pretend to be happy 
when your heart explodes from grief.
You don’t need to apologize when your experience 
ruins people’s illusions of the world.
You should speak from your heart, 
not carefully choose your words.
Your grief is valid.
If it’s inconvenient to some,
let them go.
Grief is not a flaw.
It is love.

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Warmly,

Darya

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Email: daryazorka@substack.com

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