When I moved from coast to coast 1.5 years ago and settled in a new place, I found myself avoiding exploring the neighborhood and visiting any new cafes and stores. I walked the same route for months, shopped at one store, and was terrified to take a new highway or drive somewhere I’d never been before. I tried not to make eye contact with the neighbors and had panic attacks anytime someone started a small talk. I arranged the furniture the same way it was in my previous apartment, wore the same clothes, and cooked the same meals week after week. I was afraid of change and desperately tried to make things stay the same. At any other time in my life, I would be thrilled about the move, meeting new people, and exploring new places. I’ve always considered myself a curious, adventurous person who was excited to try new things. However, the last few years brought so much traumatic change and uncertainty that I started to be afraid of anything new.
With time, I got used to the new place, met the neighbors, and explored the local stores and businesses. However, it took me more than a year to get to that. The fact that I needed so much time to adjust was new to me. Before, I changed careers, cities, and countries with ease. This time, I needed a year to get used to a little town. I judged myself for that a lot. I tried to force myself to do things that I was uncomfortable doing, only to come back home later, exhausted and drenched in sweat.
I expected myself to stay the same when so much has changed in my life. When times change, we subconsciously understand that we need to accept and adjust to it, but for some reason, we don’t always realize that we need to accept that we change too. I’m definitely not the same person I was two years ago. I refuse to change apartments, let alone the continents, as I did before. Every time I go out, I go to the same restaurants and order the same food, completely ignoring the rest of the menu. I read a short summary of every new book and movie to know what to expect from them. I go on the same hikes and visit the same places over and over again. Maybe, if life wasn’t so unpredictable, I would have the courage to try and explore new things, but right now, all my courage goes towards staying afloat and surviving in changing times.
Life became a little easier when I understood that I shouldn’t blame myself for behaving the way I do. I realized that I do it not because I became a coward, or an antisocial person, or lost my spark, but because I try to protect myself. I try to save my little sand castle while the wind tries to destroy it piece by piece. Sometimes, protecting myself means ordering the same sandwich for lunch for a year. Sometimes, it means turning down promising and exciting job offers. Sometimes, it means not leaving my apartment for days.
We react differently to change and use different ways to protect ourselves. Often, this looks like a weakness to us, while in reality, it is how we preserve our strength.
When seasons change, all living things adapt. When winter comes, becoming less active and hibernating is one of the most widespread survival strategies for many animals. We don’t judge them for that because we understand they do it to stay alive. Why do we expect ourselves to remain as active as we used to be when winter comes into our lives? Why do we blame and judge ourselves for staying home, not trying new things, and spending time only with the closest people during the coldest, cruelest, and most unpredictable seasons of our lives?
I want this newsletter to be a reminder to you (and to myself) that we need to be gentle with ourselves and accept that when times change, we change, too. There is nothing wrong with us or how we react and adapt to changing seasons in our lives. No matter how you do it, I want you to know that you are doing your best. Let’s keep doing what we need to survive these uncertain times and hope that the next season will bring more peaceful days.
The latest family recipe from Eastern Europe: Grandma's Ukrainian meatballs recipe
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Warmly,
Darya
OMG this is so immensely helpful. You are so powerfully productive with your advocacy across social media, your translation work, your crafts and recipes, and your donation guide I would never have imagined you might have some of the same anxieties I have. This is the most supportive piece of writing I've come across in a long time (years). Thank you thank you.
I'm so glad that you have come to understand this, and, I hope, to accept it too. You will change. Again. One day. I can promise you that. I have experienced similar effects of stress, and one day you'll catch yourself doing things the old way again. I call such periods in life seasons - just like your analogy - and seasons change. Just not today.