I was thinking about your essay and poem as I was walking my dog. I can't fathom how such experiences are internalized. The level of oppression, the constant mind games to keep people 2nd guessing themselves, the gaslighting, those things, at the scale Russia has been getting away with for who knows how long is just alien. You do have a way with words, but I sympathize for the pain that must've been endured to have such clarity...the sadness, the slowly awakening anger. At least the whole world can see, if they want to see, the lies that Russia spews to cover up the monstrosity they are....I do hope Belarus can escape before Luka. sells them out completely down the river because once Russian annexes Belarus they will do to it what they are doing to Ukraine. The things you have shared are are so real, and so surreal, and so humbling.
Thank you, David! The gaslighting is so severe that I’ve always doubted myself and thought: “is it just me? Maybe I’m imagining things, and life in Belarus has always been like that? Maybe people stopped speaking Belarusian because it’s really just a backward language and no one likes it anymore?” Especially when I saw people living their lives as usual and not talking about it. Many people just accepted how things were and didn't ask themselves any hard questions. Some kept their thoughts to themselves or talked behind closed doors, because it was too dangerous otherwise. As a result, I pretended like everyone else. Deep inside I knew that something was wrong, but I couldn’t name what exactly. Protests in 2020 awakened many people, including me. The more I learned about the true Belarusian history (not the one that I studied in censored textbooks) - the more I was shocked, but also relieved. Because it meant that I wasn’t crazy afterwards, and that Belarus that I grew up in was not the real one, but a severely russified, robbed, dull version of what it once was and what it could be if it wasn’t neighboring with Russia.
There are so many different stories in that part of the world and everyone puts their own spin on it. To learn Lithuanian history I had to read books with perspectives of Lithuania, Belarus, Poland, Russia, and even Ukraine. Every country has a national myth (especially the USA) that belies the complexity of real history. Thanks for sharing this from a personal perspective.
It's one thing when an individual/individuals plays head games and is gaslighting, but when it is state policy that is beyond being Orwellian. Scarier when those same parties can throw a person in jail or even execute a person. There is one person on twitter, Girgin, who apparently is responsible for the downing of flight mh17 in 2014. He is Russian and constantly bad mouthing the Russian army and its invasion tactics and he is still alive, but other Russians are being sentenced to 25 years for saying things that are far less severe.
My own personal experience is limited. Recently my father died. For years, his doctors and caregivers told me he was close to dying. My father and I were not close. He had mental health issues. I thought when he died that I would not experienced too much sadness, but then the memories started to come back. It took awhile me to realize that what was happening is that over the years I would mentally filter anything from which he could find a way to manipulate me, and even though I had not seen him in 20 years, it was second nature. So, when he did die, something in my brain said it was OK to drop my guard and it caught me off guard....And, my experience was because of one person, when the state does it that (gaslighting mind games), what choice does a person have, either they become completely inscrutable, leave, commit slow motion suicide by drinking or whatever or become the thing they hate the most to escape the cognitive dissonance. What little I understand, I would never want to be part of that world.
I learned Lithuanian for the same reason. My grandparents and my in-laws spoke it but I never learned until I went to Lithuania and took lessons. I will never be fluent but I can read. I also had family from Belarus and Ukraine but I don’t know what language they spoke besides Yiddish.
I guess. They teach seven cases but there’s at least one more in use—both colloquially and in written language—that isn’t ever taught. It’s a beautiful language.
I was thinking about your essay and poem as I was walking my dog. I can't fathom how such experiences are internalized. The level of oppression, the constant mind games to keep people 2nd guessing themselves, the gaslighting, those things, at the scale Russia has been getting away with for who knows how long is just alien. You do have a way with words, but I sympathize for the pain that must've been endured to have such clarity...the sadness, the slowly awakening anger. At least the whole world can see, if they want to see, the lies that Russia spews to cover up the monstrosity they are....I do hope Belarus can escape before Luka. sells them out completely down the river because once Russian annexes Belarus they will do to it what they are doing to Ukraine. The things you have shared are are so real, and so surreal, and so humbling.
Thank you, David! The gaslighting is so severe that I’ve always doubted myself and thought: “is it just me? Maybe I’m imagining things, and life in Belarus has always been like that? Maybe people stopped speaking Belarusian because it’s really just a backward language and no one likes it anymore?” Especially when I saw people living their lives as usual and not talking about it. Many people just accepted how things were and didn't ask themselves any hard questions. Some kept their thoughts to themselves or talked behind closed doors, because it was too dangerous otherwise. As a result, I pretended like everyone else. Deep inside I knew that something was wrong, but I couldn’t name what exactly. Protests in 2020 awakened many people, including me. The more I learned about the true Belarusian history (not the one that I studied in censored textbooks) - the more I was shocked, but also relieved. Because it meant that I wasn’t crazy afterwards, and that Belarus that I grew up in was not the real one, but a severely russified, robbed, dull version of what it once was and what it could be if it wasn’t neighboring with Russia.
There are so many different stories in that part of the world and everyone puts their own spin on it. To learn Lithuanian history I had to read books with perspectives of Lithuania, Belarus, Poland, Russia, and even Ukraine. Every country has a national myth (especially the USA) that belies the complexity of real history. Thanks for sharing this from a personal perspective.
It's one thing when an individual/individuals plays head games and is gaslighting, but when it is state policy that is beyond being Orwellian. Scarier when those same parties can throw a person in jail or even execute a person. There is one person on twitter, Girgin, who apparently is responsible for the downing of flight mh17 in 2014. He is Russian and constantly bad mouthing the Russian army and its invasion tactics and he is still alive, but other Russians are being sentenced to 25 years for saying things that are far less severe.
My own personal experience is limited. Recently my father died. For years, his doctors and caregivers told me he was close to dying. My father and I were not close. He had mental health issues. I thought when he died that I would not experienced too much sadness, but then the memories started to come back. It took awhile me to realize that what was happening is that over the years I would mentally filter anything from which he could find a way to manipulate me, and even though I had not seen him in 20 years, it was second nature. So, when he did die, something in my brain said it was OK to drop my guard and it caught me off guard....And, my experience was because of one person, when the state does it that (gaslighting mind games), what choice does a person have, either they become completely inscrutable, leave, commit slow motion suicide by drinking or whatever or become the thing they hate the most to escape the cognitive dissonance. What little I understand, I would never want to be part of that world.
I was tearing up at the end. ❤️🩹 You’ll get there, the door is open now. ❤️
Thank you for your kind words!
I learned Lithuanian for the same reason. My grandparents and my in-laws spoke it but I never learned until I went to Lithuania and took lessons. I will never be fluent but I can read. I also had family from Belarus and Ukraine but I don’t know what language they spoke besides Yiddish.
Lithuanian must be very hard to learn!
I guess. They teach seven cases but there’s at least one more in use—both colloquially and in written language—that isn’t ever taught. It’s a beautiful language.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your insight.
Thank you, Bill!