Unstoppable
Sharing a story of the most important battle of my life and the lessons it taught me.
This week, Russians were given a huge platform again, which they didn’t hesitate to use to promote the messages that Ukrainians and Russians are one people and that the responsibility for the war lies solely on Putin, undermining centuries of Russian crimes, colonialism, and oppression. When I saw how many people believed them and endorsed this message, I wondered what was the point of me speaking up at all. Not only I don’t have such influence, but also, whatever I do is being constantly reset by those who have more power and successfully distort the truth and manipulate the minds of millions. Those people are believed and respected, while Ukrainians and other victims of Russian aggression and imperialism are constantly gaslighted and doubted. I felt like I was trying to break a wall with my head. I felt extremely small and powerless. I was standing in the kitchen and feeling my spirit sinking lower and lower when a song started playing on the radio. It was Unstoppable by Sia. I emerged from my thoughts and paused for a moment. This song is very special to me. It reminded me of the most important battle of my life.
When I just came to the U.S., I was young and naive. A bad person took advantage of my vulnerability and did everything to control me. I was constantly threatened with police and deportation if I didn’t obey. I was resisting in any way I could and reached out for help to many people only to be gaslighted and see them siding with my abuser. He was a very influential man and an experienced manipulator. All of his friends, colleagues, and neighbors adored and respected him. Not a single person believed me. I was no one. I was small, powerless, and afraid. Eventually, I found the courage to run away, but that person didn’t take it lightly. He did everything to ruin my opportunities to build a life in the U.S. in order to force me to come back under his control. I was alone in a foreign country. I had no friends or money, and everything worked against me. However, I didn’t come back and started my life from the very bottom of the social ladder.
Every time I commuted for hours from one low-paying job to another to my tiny rented room on the outskirts of the city, I listened to Unstoppable by Sia on repeat. It was my mantra that I was chanting every day to get through the most difficult period in my life and not to give up. Gradually, life brought good people my way who believed me and offered to help. I met my future husband, went to college, built a family, and started a career as a creative person. It’s been 8 years since the night I ran away from the house of my abuser. It’s been 8 years of intense battle for my rights. Last month, I won it. I’m no longer small and powerless, and I’m no longer afraid. Most importantly, I can finally visit my family, whom I’ve seen only on the screen all these years.
As I was standing in my kitchen, listening to that song, I thought that my personal experience reminded me of what is happening right now. I saw clear parallels between the abuse and gaslighting I experienced and the way Ukrainians and Eastern Europeans are treated by the world. Russians are believed and respected, while their victims are gaslighted and constantly questioned. Russians are listened to, while their victims are silenced. My battle lasted 8 years. Ukraine has been fighting the recent Russian aggression for 10 years. Eastern Europe has been resisting Russian colonialism for centuries. I won my battle, but I didn’t see justice being served because my abuser didn’t suffer any meaningful consequences for his actions. However, he didn’t manage to break me and take away my freedom and independence, no matter how hard he tried.
My battle taught me to never give up and never stop fighting for freedom. I learned to keep going even when it seemed pointless, and everything and everyone was against me. I learned that even if you are weak now, if you keep fighting, you will gain strength as you go, and you will meet people along the way who will help you win.
The message I want to share with everyone who reads me is that even if we can’t achieve the justice we want at the moment, even if our enemies are more powerful, the only thing we can do is keep resisting and become stronger so that they can’t hurt us anymore. When we become stronger, we must help those who continue to suffer and fight against the same evil – and together, we will win.
If you missed a new family recipe in the Eastern European recipes series, you can view it below:
Solyanka - a hearty Ukrainian meat soup
Solyanka is one of my Ukrainian husband's favorite dishes. This soup is relatively easy to cook and very hearty and delicious. The original recipe includes smoked meat that sometimes hard to find in the U.S. I substituted it with the ingredients that are easy to find at a regular grocery store. After trying the result, my husband closed his eyes and nodded, saying that it tasted just like home. I will share the names of the smoked meat from the original recipe my mother-in-law shared with me, and if you could find it where you live – definitely add it to the soup to get even more authentic flavor.
Warmly,
Darya
Email: daryazorka@substack.com
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Darya!! What an incredibly inspiring story...Your strength and perseverance is simply amazing...Thank you for sharing this...My mother was the victim of domestic violence and she did get away but it broke her in some senses and she never fully recovered...You give me hope and bolster my will to keep going no matter what...All the best to you and your family...XOXO
Very powerful reading. I am the son of a woman much like you. Sometimes, I wonder if there is a god. For the past say 12 hours or so, like a faucet being suddenly turned on, I have started thinking about my mother, what she went thru, the hate and cruelty she endured all her life. The way she died at the hands of a doctor with a God complex....words fail me here. Except, your latest post added some context to helping me to understand my mother a little better.
I don't have an inspirational song but I do understand at a primal level some things, and I understand how sick russia is as a people for I was raised in a country that values human decency, and understood that healthy societies need institutions and pathways so that a person's fate is not dependent on the wealth of their family, or their relationship to someone in a position of power. Modestly, I hope, I assert, I am the product of such a country, and I know that on the mean, I am part of a generation, whose grandparents suffered so much, and understood what needed to be done to prevent what my home country went thru from being repeated. I know that many people are confused and have massive angst especially at this current crop of western leaders, but as bad as it is, as much BS we daily read, we are still infinitely not as fucked up as russia. And, like you said, it ain't Putin, it's their culture.
So, we survivors, IMHO do have a responsibility to the future even though today we may not have any influence. My wife is American, and she gets really pissed off with me. Even though she studied law, whenever we talk about hot button issues, my response is generally "yes, but how would you codified that so that justice does not wind up being perceived like it was something akin to a popularity contest". I now live in the US too, and I see it all the time, the proverbial kicking of the can down the road, the effect of PACs on public discourse.
This is my song, when issues compete in the marketplace of ideas how do solutions get codified with the greatest utility to the public welfare.
I am happy for you for your recent victory. I am happy you found somebody like your husband who "gets you". What I suggesting that there is a good chance that the injustice you suffered/suffering will burn brightly within you all the days of your life, and perhaps even in your children. In the west, we try to build upon past lessons. Hate, only takes you so far, and like alcohol, it's not the person drinking from the bottle that does the damage, it is the bottle draining from you that does the damage.
Thanks for sharing. I was amazed at your openness.
D