Humans

Reflections on hate, fake empathy, and people’s biases.

On Thursday, I woke up in a good mood, which became so rare during the last two years that I even forgot what it felt like. It felt nice. The sun was shining through the window. The street outside was bursting with tree blossoms. At that particular moment, it seemed like there was no war at all. I felt like I was 10 and about to go on a summer break. Like in childhood, the world felt huge, welcoming, and full of wonders to discover. I opened the news and social media, and the light was immediately turned off. The world became small, unjust, and full of pain again.

After I shared poem #2 from last week’s newsletter on social media, which talks about the suffering of Ukrainians and Western biases towards Russians, I received many comments that only confirmed everything I talked about in the poem. It’s beyond me how anyone can read that poem and write a comment whitewashing or defending Russians. The majority of people who left those comments were Ukraine supporters, and they worded it differently, but the message was the same: it’s only Putin who is responsible for everything, poor Russians can’t do anything to oppose him or stop the war, and if I think otherwise, I am a hateful person who lacks empathy. When I noticed that I was about to be dragged into pointless, energy-sucking debates, I stepped away from the phone and looked out the window. The sun was shining through the branches of a big maple tree. A bird was sitting on a power line and looking at the horizon. A plane was crossing the sky, leaving a big white trail behind. I took a deep breath, got back to the phone, and, instead of answering the comments, blocked everyone who wrote them. For a moment, I battled the desire to delete all social media accounts and never come back online at all.

Later in the day, I shared with my husband how it felt absolutely pointless to explain anything to people in the West who were blinded by their biases and privilege. I said: “They can sympathize with Ukrainians and even donate money, but they will still whitewash Russians, pity them, and argue that responsibility lies solely on Putin. What should we do to change that? No matter what we write, no matter how much we explain, no matter what crimes Russians commit – people still behave the same way.” My Ukrainian husband looked at me and said: “Only when Russians invade Western countries, bomb, kill, and torture “civilized people,” not those “barbarian Ukrainians,” then they will understand. Maybe.” I sighed. Is it the only way to reach people’s consciousness? I want to hope that it’s not. However, it starts to feel more and more often that it’s the only way.

Since the beginning of the full-scale invasion, whenever I spoke up about the Russian crimes and their responsibility for it, I was accused of being hateful. When I was told it for the first time (by a person I considered to be a close friend), I was shaken. I couldn’t understand how anyone could condemn the emotions and feelings of the victims and show empathy to the aggressor. With time, I understood that many people think like that. It’s very convenient to believe that it’s only Putin, that ordinary Russians are almost the same victims as Ukrainians, and that Russian soldiers are poor boys who were forced to kill, rape, and bomb the cities and should be pitied if they get killed. This way of thinking makes people feel good about themselves, and they think it shows their empathy, objectivity, and the depth of their souls and minds, which are above primitive hate and emotions. In reality, it only shows their ignorance, hypocrisy, and absolute lack of understanding of this war and human values.

I think, at this point in time, after everything that happened and continues to happen, hate or whatever strong emotion is labeled as “hate” is the most healthy reaction anyone who has a heart can experience. It doesn’t make people who feel it inhumane – on the contrary, it shows their humanity. It’s the ones who don’t feel it should be condemned by society, not the other way around.

While I was writing this newsletter, a poem was born that summarizes what I feel towards people who hide their ignorance behind empathy and condemn those who feel righteous anger and hate. It’s out of the question that some people will accuse me of being hateful after reading this poem as well. The question is: does their opinion matter?

Love takes the form of hate
when the ones you love are being abused.
Ignorance takes the form of fake empathy
when one doesn’t want to pick a side.
My hate makes me human.
Your empathy makes you a hypocrite.
My anger makes me see.
Your neutrality makes you blind.

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Warmly,

Darya

P.S.: A new post with a family recipe from Eastern Europe is coming at the beginning of the next week. It’s going to be one of my Ukrainian husband's favorite dishes. Stay tuned! Meanwhile, you can browse the recipes from the previous months here.

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Email: daryazorka@substack.com

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