Foreign familiar places
My first week in Poland.
Poland met me with blooming chestnut trees, dandelion puffballs in tall green grass, and rainy skies. As I walked the streets of the city where my family found refuge, some places reminded me of Belarus, some of Ukraine, but the majority looked foreign yet vaguely familiar. I thought that being in Eastern Europe would make me feel at home and connected to my roots. In reality, I felt more American than ever. One of the most painful consequences of immigration is that you not only feel that you don’t belong to the country you moved to, but you become a foreigner in your native country as well. This week, I experienced it myself. I think if I could visit Belarus and my childhood house, I would likely feel the same. I’m not American enough for Americans, and I’m not Eastern European enough for Eastern Europeans. I’m someone in between the two worlds. I’m the bridge that exists only by standing on the opposite banks while desperately wanting to be on one side.
Even though I'm very happy to be with my family, eight years of separation left its mark. It’s very challenging to accept the changes that happened to us over the years and the fact that we need to get to know each other as if we were strangers. This week has been a tornado of emotions, but at the same time, a healing experience for us all. I just wish I could come to see my family sooner.
It feels strange to realize that Ukraine is not on the other continent anymore but a train ride away. However, life goes on as usual in Poland, as in the rest of Europe, and there are very few reminders about the ongoing war and genocide next door, which brings very mixed feelings. It’s surreal to be close to Belarus, too – it’s so near yet absolutely unreachable.
I’m struggling to find the words right now as my heart is overwhelmed with emotions and feelings. I hope to explore Poland more in the coming weeks and connect with my family by creating shared memories. Yesterday, during an evening walk, one of us made a joke, and we laughed so hard that our cheeks started to hurt. As if there were no years of separation, as if we were never forced to leave our home, and as if life was peaceful and simple, just as in the good old days. I hope to have more moments like this.
A few days ago, I saw a beautiful rainbow. It was so big that it seemed that one end of it stood in Eastern Europe, and the other was on the other side of the world. It wasn’t limited to one place, but no one would call it a flaw. It was true to itself and shone brightly whenever it went. I looked at it and thought that I strive to be like this rainbow.
I will share a new family recipe at the end of the month. I apologize for the delay. As you can imagine, life has been a lot recently. I’ve never shared this kind of recipe before, and it’s one of the most delicious recipes I’ve ever cooked in my life. I promise that the wait is worth it, and I’m very excited to share this recipe with you! You can browse step-by-step Eastern European recipes from previous months here.
Warmly,
Darya
Email: daryazorka@substack.com
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It sounds there are a lot of things going on to cause you some mixed emotions. It was interesting to read about, because these are experiences that I have never had or thought about. I hope you find some peace and more feelings of belonging soon. 🫂
I grew up in England though I was born in Ohio, and now I live near Ohio…I can relate. It’s this feeling of ambiguous pain alongside good memories. Thank you for sharing! 💕