Eclipse

Sharing honest thoughts about how the world feels these days.

Next week, a solar eclipse will be visible across North America. Many people are driving all across the country to catch it in particular states. Reading about it all over the news, I thought that I didn’t want to see it. I feel like I’ve been living in a total solar eclipse for the last two years, with every moment being overshadowed with grief and sadness. The amount of suffering that continues to happen in Ukraine and the world’s reaction (or lack thereof) feels like a dark shadow that blocked the light, covered people’s hearts, and made them numb  — just as the moon blocks the sun during the eclipse. 

It’s been more than two years since the full-scale invasion started. More than two years of intense fighting, never-ending violence from the Russian invaders, and continuous gaslighting, hypocrisy, and empty promises from the allies. More than two years of betrayal, death, and injustice, but also hope that soon it will end, evil will be defeated, and we will get back to peaceful lives.

I’ve been speaking up about the Russian invasion of Ukraine and bringing attention to it nonstop for the last 25 months. I lost count of the hours I spent patiently explaining and passionately arguing with people, trying to reach their hearts and consciousness. Yet, more than two years later, I see the same attitude and behavior: Ukrainians continue to be treated like someone who doesn’t have agency to decide their own fate, constantly gaslighted and victim-blamed. Russians are pitied and sympathized with, given the benefit of the doubt, and every possible opportunity to whitewash themselves and share their distorted narratives. The truth continues to be twisted, money and greed continue to dictate everything, fear and ignorance continue to cloud people’s judgment. Will this eclipse ever end?

This week, I was overflowed with emotions, which I channeled into poems. I've been writing almost daily. These poems are heavy, emotional, and honest – a reflection of my heart these days. 

I think, just like with a solar eclipse, in order to see the light, we must look straight at the darkness.

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***

Each morning, I wake up 
and read the news about war and death.
I have no power to make it stop,
but I have words instead.

So, I type on my phone for hours 
and send thousands of words to the world.
Hoping, they will reach people’s hearts.
Hoping, they will be heard.

I beg for money, I beg for attention:
Please make a repost! Please donate!
Then I log off, make dinner, sit by the table,
and talk with my husband 
about war and death.

I try to notice the life around me,
I try to accept that I have no control.
I take up new projects, I plan vacations.
But I can’t stop thinking about the war.

It overshadows every happy moment.
It stands in the corner of every room.
It’s silent, it’s loud, it’s forever present.
And it doesn’t look like it will end any soon.

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***

“I wish them the same fate as ours,”
says a woman whose house 
was destroyed by Russians.
She has tears in her eyes.
She lived in that house her whole life.
She has nowhere else to go.

“You should stop being hateful. 
They were forced to do it. 
They are also victims.
And by the way, I have a Russian friend,
and they are against the war.”

“They killed my daughter. 
May all Russians suffer the way she did,”
says a man whose child was tortured so cruel 
that she had to be buried in a closed coffin.
His hands are trembling 
as he gently strokes her photo 
on the cross.

“How can you say things like that?
Do you want children in Russia to suffer as well?
It’s all Putin’s doings. He is the one to blame.
When you say hateful things like that,
it makes me feel less sorry for your loss.”

“My town doesn’t exist anymore 
because Russians razed it to the ground.
They killed my friends, neighbors, and relatives.
Where my house once stood, 
Russians built a landfill.
The whole area is uninhabitable anymore.
I want every single Russian town 
to look the same 
as my home.”

“Don’t become the monster you fight. 
Surely you didn’t mean it that way?
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, BUT
[proceeds to say a million ignorant things]
Do you know that bombing Russia 
will start a third world war?”

It seems that people will understand Ukrainians 
only when evil will knock on their door.

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***

It’s been two years of war.
The world still adores everything Russian, 
admires Russian music and ballet.
Russian literature is praised and loved.
As if there is no genocide currently happening,
and the “great” Russian culture 
is not soaked 
in blood.

When Russians openly say: 
“Look, we killed them, and we will do it again. 
Those Ukrainians don’t have the right to exist. 
How dared they live better than we ever could.”
People exclaim:
“Oh, what a mysterious Russian soul! 
Let’s invite countless Russian experts.
This barbarity makes us mesmerized.
Russians are so enigmatic and misunderstood.”

In order to be accepted by the world, 
a Russian needs to say two things:
either “I am against the war” or
“I raped, abused, and killed, 
but now I want to repent [become rich].”

And they will be invited to every newsroom, 
sign huge contracts with publishers, 
be pitied and offered support. 
Their anti-war views or regrets 
don’t have to be the truth, of course.
Because “those Westerners are so dumb, 
and they adore us no matter what.”

Russian posts are trending on the internet.
Russians cry crocodile tears,
receive sympathy and help. 
They are flawed, they are beautiful, they are so complex.
Unlike those angry, annoying Ukrainians 
who see the world only in black and white
and repeat that Russians are bad.
They are not listened to because 
it’s too simple and leaves no room 
for discussion 
and philosophical debates.

I always wondered why people 
are drawn to stories of maniacs and killers.
Why true crime series are so popular in the world. 
Why is everyone willing to know 
what exactly was maniac feeling 
when he was torturing and killing, 
but no one wants to know 
what the victim felt and thought.

Of course, she was terrified, 
and of course, she went through pain. 
But it’s not as interesting as to think about 
the motives and the work of the human brain 
that decided to commit those horrible things.
 
This widespread love/fear/obsession with maniac’s minds 
is the reason why the world is failing Ukraine.

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I’ve been listening to lots of instrumental music lately, and the two compositions below felt like a soundtrack to this week and current life in general:

Warmly,

Darya

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Email: daryazorka@substack.com

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