Birthday, burnout, and a poem

Personal reflections on burnout and how to live with it.

Photo by Erdei Greta.

I’ve been living with constant burnout for several years already. It is not surprising, considering how many awful, shocking, and life-altering events happened during this time, and continue to happen. I wish I could go back to my past self – pre-war, pre-disappointment in the world, and pre-severe exhaustion, but it’s not possible. Life has changed, and I have changed, too. I hate the change that happened, but at the same time, change is my only hope – it is proof that nothing is permanent, and that burnout will pass, as everything else in this life.

The definition of burnout is “a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress.” There has been so much stress that the overused word “stress” cannot possibly describe the intensity of it and the gravity of the consequences. There are days when I feel that I can’t take it anymore, when what I thought was the last drop is followed by a flood. There are days when I think that everything is not too bad, and I notice small good moments such as a singing bird, or how my cat sunbathes by the window, or the beauty of flowers, or the taste of a good meal, or the warmth of a wholesome conversation, etc.

There are ups and downs, but the more I live with burnout, the downs become lower and longer, and the ups become rarer and shorter. It’s hard to show up every day for your family, work, community, and to keep going when you can’t find the energy even to brush your teeth. I know that I can’t change what’s happening in the world, I can’t save everyone I want to save, and I can’t bring the difference at the pace I wish it could come. However, this understanding does not make the burnout disappear. The only thing that helps is taking time to slow down as much as possible and to rest, mentally and physically. It looks different each time. Sometimes, it means binge-watching cheesy TV shows in bed, and sometimes it means going for a day-long hike somewhere without a cell phone connection. Such breaks, short and long, are the only thing that helps to keep the imperfect balance and live this imperfect life, no matter what.

My birthday is coming on May 27. A few years ago, I wrote myself a birthday poem. It stays relevant this birthday, too.

Birthday poem

Last year, evil came closer than ever.
It spread its tentacles, trying to get my loved ones.
It chased them away from their home,
and its cold breath touched their backs
as they ran from the bombs, missiles, and tanks.

I saw people I trust 
betraying me in the most ugly way,
I saw people I trust 
lying to me and themselves,
I saw people I trust 
calling to appease this evil and give up.

I don’t know what scared me the most:
The evil, or how fast my friends 
were ready to sacrifice the people I love.

In the past, I felt so sorry for those
who lived through WW1 and then WW2.
I thought how unlucky they were 
to be born during those times.
I couldn’t imagine that this evil would come back.
And this time, it will be my turn.

My turn to make a choice: 
to turn away or fight.
My turn to lose and my turn to grieve.
My turn to see clearly 
what’s wrong and what’s right.
My turn to find the courage 
and my turn to speak.

Today, I turned 31.
I’m not as naive as I was just a year ago.
I grew teeth, thicker skin, and I learned how to bite.
This evil took the masks
off everything and everyone I know.

I’m glad that when it came to take a mask off me, 
it only helped to discover my strength and my light.

I look at my childhood photos
and wish this little girl had an easier life.
She was given a name that means 
“a warrior” but also “the sea.”
She dreamed of being a sailor and seeing the world, 
but she faced so much hardship and abuse in the past,
that she became a warrior she never intended to be.

I just hope that she will have 
more peaceful sunsets than storms ahead,
And that her ship will be guided 
through the dark waters at night.
I want her to be proud of the woman she became.
I want to come back in time and tell her: 

“Darling, you can’t imagine how much you are loved.”

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I take a break from work and social media every birthday. It has become the best gift I could give myself – time to slow down, recharge, and be around the people I love. I’ll be taking a break from posting next weekend to do exactly that.

For the last couple of months, I’ve been working on an article about one of the bravest and boldest women of Eastern Europe. This story kept me awake at night and took me on a fascinating journey throughout the entire Eastern and Central Europe of the 18th century. I can’t wait to share it with you in June. See you soon!

Warmly,

Darya

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Email: daryazorka@substack.com

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